Secure the Insecurities

Do you feel that you don’t deserve lasting love and that your partner will inevitably leave you? Do you stay at home, afraid to venture out and meet new people because you don’t feel you have enough to offer? Do you feel overweight, boring, stupid, guilty, or ugly?

Standard questions… 

Here I ask you. 

Do you inevitably feel the need be validated by your partner time and again?

Do you feel the sudden sprang of jealousy or anxiousness when your partner mentions an opposite sex and his/fondness towards that person?

No matter how much you convince yourself that you truly trust your partner but such feelings really cloud all your sanity, and the next thing you know is that you are frantically obsessing over that person.

Now while many might say : "This is completely insane. I don’t feel any such thing."

I say, let’s ponder a little more. Insecurities: We’ve all got a few. 

Speaking of myself: I DO! 

 I used to feel embarrassed of this, but have come to realize this is something that many battle with.

Now this is no post on preaching ways to handle it. (I so wish I knew). But this is just to share with anyone out there, who needs to listen this. That you are not alone and definitely not CRAZY!!!

There are a number of contributing factors to these relationship insecurities; some stemming from childhood, and some I’ve probably picked up along my journey to adolescence and adulthood.(adult-ing is tough , you know)

 It took me a long time to realize, but a past relationship left me with many scars and unexplained baggage that would set the tone for some of my future relationships.

Now with that being said, we certainly can’t place all the blame on past relationships.

I think that crippling fear of uncertainty and a deep sense of inadequacy within me were or rather are the two main triggering point of my anxiety in a happy relationship. These of course can be exacerbated by the intense feelings I have for my significant other; as the more feelings I develop, the more I think I stand to lose.

Many a times, especially in the era of “on a click relationships” and rush of hormones, we fall real quick for anyone different we meet. The infatuation or excitement that had made us fall for them slowly becomes the reason for us to doubt them.

Slowly we start believing that they are losing interest in us and might as well fall for someone else sooner. I would fear that my significant other would find someone better, fear that I wasn’t good enough and fear that all of this would cause them to act unfaithful towards me. 

These fears have caused me to be needy, clingy, angry, jealous and ill-logical most of the times.
It seriously affected my mental health, my normal routine and definitely made a mess out of my relationship. No one likes a clingy always complaining partner. While I blamed my partner for being insensitive , he blamed me for nagging all the time.

Even in long term relationship, over time, we tend to grow on our insecurities. We think that whatever is really salient to us at the moment is also what’s salient to our partners, and we ignore the possibility that other people are focused on completely different things.

While this may seem harmless, because that’s how relationships work and we might be too arrogant to admit that our insecurities our killing most of our precious time with our partners and slowly driving them away. 

Anxiety feeds on these feelings of self doubt. While being a little critical is natural but being paranoid is alarming.

BEWARE: If your insecurities are causing you to think negative thoughts, which later manifest into negative actions, that's when your relationship can start feeling some of the side effects of your insecurity. 

However poised and composed I might look, or how much I claim to love my partner. 

This constant fear, these raging insecurities just spoils the whole equation.

I am still yet to overcome them, but recognizing them is something I have mastered over the years.

Few triggering points can be:

1.       Comparison : It's only natural to be curious about who your partner was with before you came along, but if you're constantly comparing yourself to their exes and worrying you don't measure up, that's a sure sign that your insecurities are affecting your relationship. Also if any mention of a hot colleague or a super clingy friend is disturbing you, it is definitely better to openly communicate the same to your partner, rather than imagining all the impossible things in your head.

2.        You need your partner to constantly reassure you: Now that is a big red flag. If you constantly need them to validate you, that's a sign that your insecurities are getting the better of you — and if they grow tired of reassuring you, that can cause you to become even more insecure.

Self-acceptance isn't something you can summon overnight, but if you rely solely on your partner to make you feel like you're 'enough' — attractive enough, fun enough, smart enough, kind enough — you'll never be fully happy, both with yourself and in your relationship.

3.       Fights and Fights: One of the best parts about being in a relationship is feeling an intimate emotional closeness with your partner. But if your insecurities are causing you to keep your partner at a distance that can really negatively impact your relationship.

4.       Too much reading between the lines. : If you frequently catch yourself assuming what your partner is thinking of you in any given situation — and you always assume the worst — that's a clear sign that your insecurities are interfering in your relationship.

5.       Breaking Communication: Relationships are a lot of work. Many times we assume or take for granted that our partner lives inside our head and can easily understand what we want. But that is being outright alien.  Expecting them to do the unsaid only creates the feeling of anger and neglect. And makes your partner feel unwanted and results in unhappiness in the relationship.

While these are some of my breaking points that I openly share with you here, there can be  many reasons for lack of trust , Rather than obsessing over it and try to blame your partner for not letting you trust him , may be we should rather , "Choose to Trust him" and see how faith can do wonders.

Like loving them was our choice, trusting them is also our work.

The fact is, relationships shake us up, challenge the core feelings we have about ourselves and can bring to the surface unresolved baggage from our past. Recognizing the trigger points and accepting them as important is the first step towards dealing with them. Once you start by openly accepting these short comings and working on fixing them , slowly these crawling feelings will disappear..

To feel more secure in a relationship it helps to know what you have to offer to the other person. You don’t have to be rich or beautiful to offer something— personal characteristics are far more important to the overall quality of a relationship. Think about the traits you have as a person—you may be nice, trustworthy, funny, kind, or a good communicator. These are traits most people value in a partner.

When your well-being depends on someone else, you give away all of your power. A healthy partner won’t want to carry this kind of burden and it can push him or her away. Feeling good about who you are is a win-win for the relationship.

When you take your attention off of what other people think and keep the focus on yourself, you can’t help become a better, more secure version of yourself

But you know what I have found to work the better than anything?

Be kind to yourself and be determined. You CAN overcome it; it’s just going to take a healthy mix of patience, self-love and lots of hugs from your partner (That always works).